


I've Acquired a Panda

by raritysdiamonds



Category: Arctic Monkeys, Indie Music RPF, Last Shadow Puppets
Genre: Animals, Baby Animals, Crack, Fluff, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-23
Updated: 2013-09-23
Packaged: 2017-12-27 11:03:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/978068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raritysdiamonds/pseuds/raritysdiamonds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Through no fault of their own, Alex and Miles find themselves with a panda. Hilarity ensues. Sort of.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I've Acquired a Panda

**Author's Note:**

> ...This. Um. Yeah. Written in honour of a friend's birthday, and must have seemed like a good idea at some point. Complete and utter ridiculousness, but...pandas! Baby pandas! TLSP and baby pandas! 
> 
> The title, in case you were wondering, is a reference to a show/gif on tumblr where Alex says "I've acquired a bra." (on his micstand) I'm fully aware that it's a terrible title, and apologize thusly. Enjoy, or alternatively, I'm sorry. *bows*
> 
> original (and a bunch of other stuff) posted at: milexthestories.tumblr.com/austyn

Alex couldn’t have been sure exactly what it was that woke him up that morning; the sunlight filtering in through the tourbus window, the stifling, sticky weight of the bed sheets as Miles snored gently next to him. Or the soft yet insistent rapping that seemed to be coming from outside.

  It was the latter of these things that made him slip out of bed and into the main area, following general direction of the sound. He wasn’t hearing things, there was definitely  _something_  - but as soon as he approached the door, the noise stopped.

 Alex frowned, calling out a tentative “Someone there?”, but receiving no response. 

 He should have left it there, really, but couldn’t hold back from wrenching the door open, not really sure what or who he expected to find. 

 Blinking against the harsh sunlight, Alex found himself looking at a woven basket, and what appeared to be a small black and white teddy bear sat inside it.

 Relief flooded through him; at least it wasn’t any immediate threat. Alex had certainly received stranger presents from fans - if that was what it was - though it was a bit strange to leave it here at this time. Still, he supposed, he probably ought to take it inside, so he bent down and picked up both bear and basket.

 And then it moved.

 “Fuck!” The shock made him jump, involuntarily propelling the basket through the air where it landed a few feet away with a hard  _thud_. Alex cringed, fearful of the damage he might have done to the basket’s current inhabitant, but it seemed unconcerned, simply shifting into a more comfortable position.

 Leaving Alex to the realisation that he was now sharing living space with an actual, living, fur-and-blood, fuck-off  _panda_.

 “Al?” The commotion had obviously woken Miles, as his voice floated from the bed.  ”What you doing? What’s going on?”

 “I don’t - fucking -  _panda_ ,” Alex stuttered, incapable of coherent sentences, or of anything other than gazing helplessly at the creature as if it was the spawn of Satan himself. 

 For its part, the panda simply stared back, licking its lips in a way that was somehow deeply unnerving. It  _couldn’t_  be real, there was no way, this had to be a dream, one he hadn’t yet woken up from. But it wasn’t, and it was, and… _holy shit_.

 “Not sure about the new pet name,” Miles mumbled as he emerged from the back, hair ruffled and expression puzzled. He stood next to Alex, surveying the damage.

 “What’s that - someone sent me a teddy?”

 Alex didn’t get a chance to say anything, as the panda rolled onto its back, waving its paws in the air as if the whole thing was just one big joke. Predictably, Miles jumped like he’d been shot.

 “Wait -  _fucking_  hell - is that -“

 Alex nodded grimly.

 “It’s  _real_ , that’s…That’s a fucking panda!”

 For a minute, Alex thought Miles might be about to faint. If he didn’t get there first.

 “But how - where - who -  _how_ -” Proper sentences had long since escaped either of them. “Where did you  _find_  it?”

 “Went down to the fucking panda shop, didn’t I?” Alex snapped, the combination of sheer helplessness and the implication he was somehow responsible for the situation at hand making him irritable. “Just found it outside, I don’t even - I didn’t know it was -“

 “Fuck,” Miles exhaled, once again, his hand gripping Alex’s shoulder as though he was scared of falling over. Alex leaned into the touch - partly keeping Miles upright, partly for some kind of reassurance in the face of an increasingly surreal situation.

 “Well what should - I mean - fuck, what do we do?”

 Only one plan of action came to Alex’s mind; the only one he was pretty certain he was capable of right now.

 “I’ll make some coffee.”

* * *

 

 Several mugs later, they still had approximately one panda and zero sensible ideas on what to do with it.

 “D’you think it came from a zoo, or something?” Miles asked. “Got lost, somehow, or…was there anything on the basket, or even, like - a collar?” His deflated tone suggested he knew he was grasping at straws.

 Alex shook his head, not for the first time that morning. “Miles, it’s a fucking  _panda_.” He was starting to sound like a broken record, but at a loss to say anything else. “People don’t just  _have_  pandas. They’re like, protected. Endangered species or something. How could we explain this?”

 The silence was ominous.  _Last Shadow Puppets Arrested For Panda Possession_  wasn’t a headline he’d contemplated before, but it suddenly seemed a very real and frightening possibility.

 “Yeah, I get you.” Miles scratched the back of his head awkwardly. “But, fuck, this is insane. We can’t…keep it? Here?”

 “No, course not - that  _would_  be insane,” Alex agreed, a bit too quickly considering he didn’t really have any less-insane alternatives. “We’ll just, er…”

 He tailed off lamely while they both eyed said fucking panda, currently gnawing the side of its basket, happily oblivious to all the fuss it was causing.

 Miles went over, cautiously crouching a few inches away to examine it.

 “It’s only a baby,” he murmured, as the panda stopped chewing to raise its head slowly, as if taking in its surroundings. The smile that appeared on Miles’ face when the animal’s head bumped against his hand really should have pinged as a warning sign. Inconveniently, it was also making Alex’s resolve - to get the fuck out of there as soon as he’d worked it out - crumble.

 He turned back to Alex. “Should we feed it, do you think? Get some water, or…”

 “Well, do  _you_  have any bamboo?” 

 Miles shot him a look that indicated he wasn’t particularly helping.

 Alex sighed, reluctantly getting up from the table to join him. “Sorry, I meant…never mind. Here, let me…”

 He approached the basket, trying to act a lot more confident than he felt, considering. Though he really had no idea what to do next, Alex scooped up panda and basket together, like he had done moments ago, except now there was suddenly a lot more at stake.

 Panda, though, had other ideas; as soon as Alex lifted it off the ground, it wriggled out of the basket, attaching itself firmly to his neck instead. The basket dropped to the floor, and Alex staggered back helplessly, in the grip of two small, yet deceptively strong paws.

 “Oops, er - okay - we’ll just…” his hands flailed, struggling to keep the panda aloft -  _oh god, don’t drop it_ \- before grasping it awkwardly around the middle. 

 “Miles!” As the panda squirmed awkwardly in his arms, threatening to slip out, Alex could only appeal with his eyes to where his boyfriend seemed to be finding the situation more amusing than he’d have liked. “Help…?”

 “Alright, hang on,” Stifling his laughter, Miles took hold from the other side, so the panda formed a kind of furry bridge between them. Keeping a firm grip, he moved Alex’s hand so it could support the back of the panda’s head, which came to rest more comfortably on his shoulder. As it settled, Alex became aware that the panda’s whole head could almost fit in his hand; he suddenly felt very big and clumsy.

 “There,” Miles moved away slowly, carefully; the only thing that could possibly be worse than a panda would be a  _dead_  panda. But, no, actually, Alex seemed to have got it. 

 “It likes you, Al, look,” The smile was back, Miles tilting his head as if admiring his handiwork. “Maybe it thinks you’re its mum.”

 “Well, I’m not,” Alex protested, unnecessarily, but he couldn’t suppress a smile when the panda’s rough tongue started to lick his neck. “Alright then, mate,” he addressed it, more softly, “maybe we should find you some food. Can’t have you eating me.”

 Miles snorted at that, about to make a lewd remark - but then, suddenly, the unmistakable sound of footsteps shut them both up.

 “Is that -“

 “ _Shit_  - someone’s coming!” Without thinking, Alex thrust the panda at Miles, who somehow miraculously managed to grab it. “Take it - quick - hide -“

 Scrambling for the back with an armful of panda, Miles somehow managed to disappear at the  _exact_  moment there was a knock on the door, louder and more clearly identifiable than before.

 The day he was having, Alex half expected a polar bear to greet him. Though bears, at least, couldn’t ask questions; explaining himself to Matt, who he found on the other side of the door, might be more difficult.

 “What the fuck are you doing here?” 

 It came out a bit more sharply than he intended; possibly not the tone of one with no exotic creatures in the bedroom to hide. Luckily, being used to Alex not being a morning person by anyone’s definition, Matt was unfazed.

 “Morning, sunshine,” he greeted cheerily. “Miles keeping you up all night? Don’t answer that,” he added, letting himself in and immediately setting about rummaging down the side of the sofa, in search of something.

 “You haven’t seen my phone, have you? Thought I might have left it here last night.” 

 Alex shook his head, trying to casually edge towards blocking the view to anything suspicious in the back.

 “No. Sorry, mate, but - ” Suddenly acquiring lightning-fast reflexes, Alex moved so as to block any possible entrance to the back, as Matt looked up at him quizzically.

 “…but it’s definitely not anywhere else, so no need to look in the back. Don’t bother, cause…”

  ”I wasn’t going to -” Matt started, but Alex was in full flow.

 “…because Miles is there!” Fuck, no - why wouldn’t he be allowed to see Miles? “You know, er…naked,” Alex added, forcing a laugh that came out like a strangled chicken. “So just thought I’d…spare you that.”

 Matt raised an eyebrow, about to say something in response, but he was interrupted by Miles emerging from the bathroom, fully clothed and panda-less.

 “Hi,” he said casually, ignoring the frantic expression on Alex’s face and the increasingly puzzled one on Matt’s. “Alright?”

 “Helders was just…”

 “Going,” Matt finished for him. “It’s fine, I’ll…leave you to it.” The look he gave Alex wasn’t so much suspicious as concerned, and maybe a little bit frightened. But, to his relief, all he added was “See you at soundcheck.”

 Alex watched him leave, heart sinking as Matt mumbled something under his breath he didn’t catch, but couldn’t have been good. As far as “act casual” went, he wasn’t sure he’d succeeded. Nonetheless, he breathed a sigh of relief when the door closed.

 “You handled that well.” Miles commented. Alex chose to ignore the sarcasm. 

 “Fuck off,” he retorted automatically, but it was half-hearted. “You’re the one who ruined it by – look, anyway, what did you do with…”

 As if on cue, the bathroom door creaked open and a familiar black and white shape padded into view. It regarded them curiously, as though wondering if it was the only sane one.

 It may, Alex thought, well have been right.

 “She’s a right Houdini, this one,” Miles grinned down at their guest, something curiously like pride in his voice. Alex opted not to question that, either, but then something occurred to him.

 “She?” 

 “Oh, yeah,” Miles wrinkled his nose in distaste. “I’ve just seen her piss all over my suit - trust me, definitely a girl.”

 Despite his expression, Alex couldn’t help sniggering at that. “Good to know someone around here’s got taste, then.”

 “Fuck off. You seemed to like it last night…”

 “Only when I was taking it  _off_  you.”

 Miles smirked, his gaze travelling downwards - but it came to rest not on the usual area, but somewhere at the bottom of Alex’s leg where the panda had somehow managed to attach itself. 

 Alex was beginning to suspect that someone had planted this creature solely for the purpose of cockblocking him.

 “What do you want now?” he grumbled, as she butted her head against his leg softly but determinedly.

 But then, almost immediately  he started to feel bad because it - she -  _did_ seem weirdly attached to him (literally, at this moment); God knows why, but after all, she wasn’t meant to be here. She was lost, probably scared, and had even less idea where she was or what was going on than Alex and Miles did. As unfortunate as their situation was, it wasn’t her fault.

 It was that thought that made Alex pick the bear up again, holding her gently but firmly like before, and she seemed content with that, soft fur brushing against his neck. He looked at Miles and shrugged in resignation.

 “Food?”

 Miles nodded, and so Alex carried the panda over to sit at the table, letting her balance awkwardly on his knee. Miles scanned the contents of his fridge.

 “Al, all I can see in here is tequila. What do you reckon the penalty is for supplying booze to underage pandas?”

 Alex couldn't say he'd ever thought about it, to be honest. “Just get some water, then,” he answered, distracted by the panda’s repeated attempts to wriggle off his knee and climb onto the table. He had to relent a moment later, though, when Miles put down a bowl of water and she happily lapped it up.

 She was obviously thirsty; eagerly submerging her snout in the bowl, licking up every last drop. Alex didn’t really understand why, but it was nice, watching her drink - well, he supposed she deserved it, the morning they’d all had.

 Miles slipped into the chair next to his, giving a sheepish smile when their eyes met.

 “What now…?”

 “I…”  _have no fucking idea_ , Alex was about to say, but stopped himself; they needed more affirmative action than that, “don’t think we can get her out of here without anyone seeing. Not now, anyway.”

 “Right,” Miles nodded. “And we don’t know where…where would we take her? Where did she come from?”

 Good points, all of them. “We’ll just lay low,” (Alex wasn’t entirely sure what that meant, in this context, but it sounded quite cool) “make sure no one sees her. Call someone to sort it in the morning. Til then, well…”

 There were at least seventy reasons why this was absurd, insane, ludicrous, the worst plan ever. They had things to do, people to see, shows to play. Alex still had a vague hope he might be in a particularly strange and vivid dream. And, apart from anything, how on earth were they supposed to know how to look after  _a fucking panda_?

 But if there was just one why it wasn’t, it was the smile on Miles’ face as he watched the panda gratefully lapping up his offering; relieved, proud, almost – fucking hell -  _motherly_. As ridiculous and borderline disturbing as  _that_  should have been, it was also, for reasons Alex has never fully been able to articulate, making him fall in love with him a little bit more. 

 (There was also the small matter that they didn’t exactly have much choice at this point; it was a case of have panda, definitely will not travel.)

 “…we have a panda?” Miles finished the sentence for him, snapping Alex out of his reverie.

 “Yeah.”

 “Fuck.”

 “I know.”

 If nothing else, the panda seemed pleased with this plan of action; so pleased, in fact, that she pawed a bit too enthusiastically at the bowl and sent water flying everywhere. It spattered all three of them.

 “You fucking…” It wasn’t - shouldn’t have been - funny in the slightest, but when Alex caught Miles’ eye, inevitably, they both started to giggle like idiots. Which, he guessed, they were. A pair of idiots with a panda. It was like the world’s worst sitcom.

 “I had to change, anyway.”

* * *

 

“So, I’ll be back around…usual time, yeah? Just make sure she doesn’t die, or shit all over, or eat anything she shouldn’t. And remember, if anyone asks, you’re…”

 “Terribly sick, throwing up everywhere, absolutely no visitors,” Miles finished Alex’s sentence, nodding impatiently. “I know, it’ll be fine, you go.” They couldn’t have anyone getting suspicious if he was late, though, judging from Matt’s visit earlier, they were more likely to suspect mind-altering substances before breakfast than the presence of a Chinese bear cub.

 Alex flashed him a grateful smile, saying, “I’ll make it up to you later, okay? Promise,” before the door closed behind him.

 Safe in the knowledge no one could see him now, Miles couldn’t hold back a slight pout. It made sense, of course, they’d agreed; someone had to stay behind to keep an eye on their guest, and it would have been considerably harder to explain had the singer of the band the crowd had paid to see not turned up.

 But none of that changed the fact that now, when he  _should’ve_  been onstage, playing his songs to an adoring (or at least tolerating) crowd and having it with his best mates, Miles was alone in his tourbus. With an imaginary illness and a very real panda.

 “No offence, of course, mate,” he added out loud, addressing said animal. “Girl, sorry. Lady?” Miles didn’t know the correct way to address a female panda, but this one seemed happy enough as he gently scratched her behind the ears.

 Panda-sitting quickly proved to be an exhausting task; for an animal that Miles thought was supposed to be lazy, she seemed to have plenty of energy, disappearing as soon as he looked away for even a second, seemingly intent on exploring every inch of the tourbus. Miles had to abandon any hope that she’d sit and behave while he found a way to occupy the time, but, he had to admit, it  _was_  fascinating to watch her curiously investigating every unfamiliar object, as long as he occasionally stepped in to prevent her eating them. Hey, maybe he could be the rock’n’roll version of David Attenborough.

 Or not, Miles thought, as the panda sniffed at one of his shirts that had been left on the floor, nosing it until her head disappeared underneath the material. Startled, she jerked upright and shook her head frantically, until Miles retrieved his shirt, chuckling.

 “See, this,” he informed her, holding up the shirt for full effect, “is mine. People clothes. You do not piss on this - if you need to do your, um, panda business, go…”

 Miles didn’t know how to finish that, realising “outside” wasn’t an option. While he pondered an makeshift litter tray, the panda had evidently got bored and wandered off. 

 He found her a minute later in the bathroom, sniffing at a small pot of something.

 “Oh, no - and that’s hair gel,” Miles snatched the pot from her paws before she could prise it open, and her ears drooped slightly. “Again, not for pandas. We don’t eat it, because if we do, we’ll probably die. Which nobody wants; there’s not too many of you left out there, is there? Be a shame. Plus, well, I guess you are quite cute.”

 Panda cocked her head to one side, and, though it was possible he was slowly going insane with only a bear cub for company, Miles could’ve sworn he saw a smile. Or whatever the panda equivalent was.

 “But we do sometimes have to hide it,” he continued, “because not everybody around here understands how to use it properly. You know what I mean, you’re a stylish panda, yeah?”

 She merely yawned in response to this. Miles put the hair gel in a hopefully panda-proof cupboard, and the panda flopped down to rest her head on his knee, having tired of the “things we don’t eat” game. Which probably, Miles thought, meant that for now he’d won. He scooped her up to no obvious resistance.

 “Come on, then, let’s go and put some tunes on. I’ll see if I’ve got any Chinese music. Or something about bamboo.”

 

* * *

 

Alex couldn’t remember time flying by so quickly, especially at a gig, ever before; then again, he’d never been in a situation like this one before. One minute he’d just stepped out on stage, the next it was all over and people were cheering, which was hopefully a good sign. In between he had a vague recollection of picking out chords and singing words, but no idea if they were the right ones. 

 Luckily, everyone understood why he’d had to excuse himself immediately after; Miles’ sudden and mysterious illness was reason enough for Alex to be distracted. He’d just take comfort, he thought as he left, in the fact that no one had asked him afterwards why every lyric he’d ever written had now been replaced with “panda”. Honestly, Alex felt a bit guilty for leaving him to panda-sitting alone, but what could he do?

 The scene that greeted him when he’d punched in the code to the tourbus was, in a twisted way, cozily domestic. Miles was sprawled on the sofa, seemingly half-asleep, while the panda was curled up at his feet, lazily licking her paws. They looked up almost simultaneously when Alex came in.

 “Oh, hi,” Miles mumbled, rubbing his eyes and shifting his legs so Alex could nudge up on the sofa next to him. “Was I asleep? How was the show?”

 “Oh…good, yeah, it was alright,” he answered, absent-mindedly. The bits he could remember were, anyway. “More importantly, how have  _you_  been? How is…?”

 Alex leant in to steal a kiss, narrowly avoiding squashing the panda, who had crawled between them and was now sniffing curiously at his t-shirt, as though asking  _and where have_ you  _been?_.

 “We’ve had a laugh, haven’t we?” Miles grinned, patting her on the head until she wriggled away and onto Alex’s lap. “Fuck me, though, she doesn’t  _stop_. I thought pandas were supposed to be lazy.”

 “Yeah, well maybe this one’s…special,” Alex glanced down at his lap to find the panda looking up at him expectantly. “What? Don’t look at me like that. I’ve just been asking if they had any bamboo for you.”

 “ _Did_  you?!” Miles nearly choked with laughter. “God, I wish I’d seen that…”

 Alex winced slightly at the memory, but Miles’ laughter was infectious as he went into an American drawl: “‘Uh, I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t think that will be possible.’ Fuck knows what he thought I wanted it for!”

 “To stick up your -” Miles seemed to reconsider what was appropriate to say in the company of a young panda. “That’s amazing - it’s alright, they’ll just think that’s what we all do in England. But I’m sure Andy appreciates it, anyway…”

 "She’d better, cause I…” Alex realised what he’d just called her. “ _Andy?”_

 “Yeah,” Miles said, like it was the most reasonable proposition in the world. “Panda, Andy, y’know? It suits her, I think.”

 Alex took a minute to consider this. The first Andy that came to mind was his former bandmate, not particularly a cute and cuddly sort of association; but probably more worrying should have been that  _everyone_  knew naming an animal was the first step towards getting too attached to let it go and smuggling it onto the plane back home.

 Then again, Miles was right; it  _did_  seem to suit her. And he supposed she might as well have a name as…not.

 “Andy,” he repeated, idly stroking the top of the bear’s head as she snuggled further into his lap. She raised her eyes briefly when he said the name, _almost_  as though she knew, but it was probably coincidence.

 “Yeah, alright then. Andy it is.” It didn’t really make any sense, of course - naming the creature when they should’ve been working out how to get rid of it as soon as humanly possible? But fuck it - they’d do all that tomorrow. The day had already been surreal enough for Alex to let it go, and Miles nodded his agreement, letting his head fall onto Alex’s shoulder.

 “You tired?”

 “Not  _too_  tired,” Alex felt, rather than saw, the knowing smile as Miles nuzzled into his neck, “You can still make it up to me properly. I think we should all go to bed.”

 Best suggestion he’d heard all day.

 

* * *

 

 “No - oh, for fuck’s sake - stay there! Sit! Bad panda!”

 This was not quite how Alex had envisioned his evening.

 Andy couldn’t be left alone, they’d realised, because her reluctance to settle down meant you only had to look away for a second and she’d be chewing the furniture, or crawling into places she shouldn’t be. Alex and Miles just had to keep an eye on her until she went to sleep, and then, the idea was, all parties would have a relatively peaceful night.

 It was clear, though, by Alex’s fiftieth failed attempt to anchor her in the basket, that getting a panda to sleep was not the easiest of tasks. Miles tried bringing her a bowl of milk -that was supposed to help you sleep, wasn’t it?) - but it ended up on the floor. They turned the lights off, but that only made them bump into things while Andy made a dash for it. And the scratch on Alex’s neck testified to the fact that pandas, apparently, did not enjoy being rocked to sleep like a baby at all.

 “Miles, what the fuck is  _wrong_  with this panda?” he groaned eventually, collapsing onto the sofa in despair. “Why won’t she sleep? Was she sent by someone who hates us?”

 “I don’t know, I’ve had her all night -  _you_  think of something,” came the unhelpful response. Alex sighed, pulling Andy back from where she was attempting to get her teeth into the coffee table as he cast his eyes around the room restlessly. He was just wondering whether they had anything that could tranquillize a baby panda lying around when inspiration struck.

 “Can I borrow your guitar?”

 Miles nodded, quirking a questioning eyebrow as he crossed the room to pick up the instrument. Alex settled back on the sofa, pulling an irritated panda with him so she was anchored between them. He didn’t really fancy his chances of singing her to sleep, but they’d exhausted every semi-sensible idea, so why not?

 Now he just needed some panda-friendly material.

 “Panda…” Alex strummed and sang, falteringly; he had, of course, no idea where this could possibly go, and it didn’t help that both Andy and Miles were staring at him. “Pandas, they’re so, er…black and white and furry…and so really, very…nice?”

 Alex didn’t know pandas could sneer, but the one in front of him looked very much to be doing just that. 

 “That  _was_  a bit shit, to be fair,” Miles put in, equally helpfully. 

 Alex threw the guitar pick at him. “I can’t write panda songs under pressure. You come and do better.”

 “Alright, I will,” Miles retrieved the guitar from him with an irritating easy confidence, thought for a second, then began to sing softly:

 “Panda, your eyes so bright, fur so soft, light up the night…” Miles stopped, frowned for a second, and then continued before Alex could point out that panda fur did not have any illuminating properties, “…not that I mean that in _that_  way, of course, because that is very wrong and illegal…however irresistible I am.”

 A pause was necessary because of how hard they were both laughing by this time.

 “…and, anyway, Al’s a jealous bitch,” Miles didn’t get any further as Alex’s attempt to wrestle the guitar off him knocked them both sideways, still laughing as the guitar poked into them uncomfortably.

 Alex pulled at the strap until it slipped over Miles’ head, making his hair stick up comically, and their laughter petered out as, faces inches apart, they melted into a kiss. Somehow, Miles managed to shove the guitar to one side with one hand, and pull Alex down on top of him with the other. For a while, their situation was completely forgotten.

 Only a few minutes, though, as Miles pulled away with a whispered “Feels a bit weird. Never done it in the same room as a panda before,” and an apologetic smile reminding him that yes, indeed, there was still an animal in the room, and no jokes about anyone’s sexual appetite.

 But the formerly restless cub was suspiciously quiet, still sprawled over Alex’s legs where she had been a minute ago, in a position not ideally suited to either party. Except that now, she was still and her eyes looked to be closed. Which probably meant…

 “No fucking  _way_ ,” he breathed, exchanging a wide-eyed, disbelieving grin with Miles. He had no idea how, but they’d done it; not quite in the designated resting area, or how they’d planned, but Andy was asleep.

 Alex couldn’t stop the pride from swelling his chest as they watched her in silence, for a few seconds, her breathing soft and steady.

 “Fucking look at  _that_  - we are the best parents ever,” Miles grinned, wriggling out from underneath Alex and onto the floor so as not to disturb the sleeping panda. In a strange way, as she snored peacefully like she’d been there all her short life, it was hard to disagree.

 Alex laughed, shaking his head, but his smile threatened to betray him. They weren’t, of course, any sort of parents, and she - Andy - was not anything to do with them, biologically or otherwise. She was a visitor, passing through on her way to wherever it was she was supposed to be. And yet, no one else had been there to look after her, in what could only have been a short life. Right at the moment, she had no one else, didn’t appear to  _want_  to be anywhere else, and miraculously, Alex and Miles had managed to keep her alive for that time. Maybe – just only for today’s temporary moment of insanity - she felt like  _their_  panda. 

 And maybe, actually, Alex was alright with that. 

 “And you can’t move all night, by the way,” Miles added, nodding at the angle at which Andy was laid out over his legs. It would, indeed, have been impossible to move without disturbing her; as unappealing as a night of cramp sounded, it would have taken the rest of the night and Alex’s sanity to get her to sleep again.

 “Yeah, that…isn’t ideal,” he agreed. shifting a leg tentatively. “We’ll just…where are you going?” Alex craned his neck uncomfortably, just in time to see him disappear. “Miles, you’d better not be fucking…if you leave me here, I swear I’ll -“

 He broke off, feeling a flicker of guilt when Miles emerged again a second later, clutching a pillow and duvet.

 “Where did you  _think_  I was going?” he demanded, mock-indignantly, slipping the pillow more comfortably under Alex’s head. “Just try not to do your neck in. I’m not taking responsibility for  _that_  tomorrow.”

 Relaxing - well, as much as was possible under the circumstances - Alex smiled back, turning his head to kiss the hand that lingered on the pillow for a second as a silent  _thanks_. Miles, he realised now watching him spread out the blanket like they were on a camping trip, wasn’t going anywhere. And for the night, it seemed, neither was Andy.

 Despite the awkward angle, the cramp in his legs and the animal snoring contentedly on top of him, Alex slept soundly that night.

 


End file.
